Suicide Letter 9/7/2023

For a few years, I've been trying my best to keep on living even though it's difficult since I am all alone in this world. Each time I've been pulled down I also found a way to bring myself up, but now, it's sad to say that this may not be the case anymore. No matter how hard I try, I can seem to find a motivation in living and is just continuing with whatever I have left until it ends.

After losing my mom, my motivation was to live in order to survive. My goal was to work hard and maintain the job I currently have in order to continue living as if I were to lose it, I would have nothing left as there is no one in this world that would help me, not even my half siblings, not even my relatives.

People say that I am not alone as I have friends and coworkers, but it isn't the same. Yes, they are there but to a certain extent, but not when I am at my lowest, not when it's late at night and I can't sleep because my thoughts are killing me because of my problems, because of my situation.

It's not easy living alone and not having anyone to be there for you, when you are sick, when you are down, when you just need someone to tell you that everything is gonna by okay and I'm proud of you for still trying your best.

I wish that I could turn back time, but I can't and no matter how much I want things to be okay, to have things be the ways it was before, it's not possible. Even if I want to tell other people about what's going on in my head, to tell them my problems, it wouldn't help me because they would listen, but they will never understand what I feel.


It's funny, since I was a kid, I was afraid of living all alone in this world, but look at me now in the same situation in what I feared the most. I always said that I was not afraid to die and that I welcome death with arms wide open. Maybe because I am all alone and I know that no one would cry or miss me when I die, which I know deep down, it's the truth.

I guess I know this is the only way to end my suffering in this forsaken world that proves to me that nothing is ever fair. That no matter how hard you try and how much you give it your best, it will never be good enough. Yet there are those who don't even need to do anything and have an easy life.

Truth be told, losing the life I had before 2012 in Guam took a huge toll on me as I lost a lot, apart from the life I had, I also lost my pet Chihuahua and the majority of my collections. I tried to regain the collections that I lost, but it's not possible. Then in 2017, I lost the two kids that I treated like my own. I learned how to become a father, to have a family, and became happy, but in the end I lost them because their mother found someone else and that broke me because I thought I finally had a family of my own, but I was wrong.

Then in late 2019 my mom passed away and it was the first time I even felt lost in my whole life. Especially since my mom was the only person who understood me. The hardest part was I didn't even have time to mourn because I needed to find a job since no one was going to help me financially. Afterwards, I lost my dad in 2020.

 

So by the time you are reading this, it means that I am no longer around because I chose to end it. Yet I still want to thank all the people who've tried helping me and who tried being there for me.

- Thank you Anne, for being a true friend to me. You are the only person I was always able to open up my problems whether it's from work or from my personal life even though there were times I feel like a bothersome to you.

- Thank you Yhana, for accepting me as a friend in your life even though you barely know me. Thank you for the unforgettable conversations and food trip moments.

- Thank you to my former TL C, for all the support, trusting me, and understanding me. Although I noticed some changes on how you are to me, but it's only normal since I was no longer your agent and no longer your responsibility.

- Thank you to most members of team CEE, for the trust and friendship. For being there, to lecture me when I say I want to die, and trying to distract me from my problem. You were like a second family.

- Thank Ryan at Mafe, kayo lang dalawa sa Squad CHA na 100% pinagkakatiwalaan ko. Salamat sa lahat.

- Thank you to my two kumpare Joemarie & Joseph, for being a good friend and checking up on me from time to time.

- Thank you Rose, because I met your nephews Cayler and Zion. I learned what it's like to be a father because of them even if it was temporary.

- Last and probably the most important, thank you Lyka, because I became happy when I met you even though you couldn't return the feelings I have for you because we could only be friends. Even though I never felt like you treated me as a friend I am still thankful that you became a part of my life. I'm sorry if I changed towards you, I just need to distance myself because I didn't want my feelings to hurt you in any way. Always remember that I love you.

That said, I want to distribute some things to a few people that I trust the most that I listed below.

- Total of my ATM: 50% will go to Mary Anne Fernandez and 50% goes to Lyka Arcelao

- Nintendo Collection: 2 Nintendo 3DS (Red & Blue), 1 Nintendo DSi (Blue), 1 Nintendo Switch (Blue), Game Brick (Blue), SUP Game Boy (Black), Nintendo Switch Games (21 pieces), Nintendo 3DS Games (40), Nintendo DS Games (49): I will be giving all of these to Mary Anne Fernandez.

- Fidget Spinner Collection (45 pieces), Funko Pop Collection, Stuff Toys, and Pikachu Coin Box: I will be giving these to my Kumpare Joemarie Calagui.

- Yugioh Card Collection, Bakugan Collection, and Laptop (White): I will be giving these to my Kumpare Joseph Calilung.

- Knife Collection (29 pieces): This will be divided with two people Pareng Joemarie and Ryan Fabunan

- Threadmill: This will go to Leslie Cedro & Ran, but it will be pickup. If they are not able to pickup the threadmill it will go to Christle.

- Mini Refrigerator: I will be giving this to Christle.

I wish I could have spend more time with everyone I trusted most, but maybe this is the limit of my life and the limit of my struggles. I really wished things could have been different for me, but this is how my life was meant to be. Farewell.