Ever since 2019, I've been trying my best to keep living, even though it's difficult since I am all alone in this world. Each time I’ve been pulled down, I found a way to bring myself back up, but now it's sad to say that this may not be the case anymore. No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to find motivation to live; I am just continuing with whatever I have left until it ends.
After losing my mom, my motivation was to live in order to survive. My goal was to work hard and maintain the job I currently have; without it, I would have nothing left, as there is no one in this world who would help me—not even my half-siblings or my relatives.
People say that I am not alone because I have friends and coworkers, but it isn't the same. Yes, they are there to a certain extent, but not when I am at my lowest, not when it’s late at night and I can’t sleep because my thoughts are overwhelming me due to my problems and my situation.
It's not easy living alone and not having anyone to be there for you when you are sick, when you are down, or when you just need someone to tell you that everything is going to be okay and that they are proud of you for still trying your best.
I wish that I could turn back time, but I can't, and no matter how much I want things to be okay and to return to the way they were before, it’s not possible. Even if I want to tell other people about what’s going on in my head and share my problems, it wouldn't help because they might listen, but they will never truly understand how I feel.
It’s ironic; since I was a kid, I was afraid of living all alone in this world, yet here I am, in the very situation I feared the most. I always said that I was not afraid to die and that I welcome death with open arms. Perhaps it's because I am all alone and I know that no one would cry or miss me when I die, which I know deep down is the truth.
I guess I know that this is the only way to end my suffering in this forsaken world that has shown me that nothing is ever fair. No matter how hard you try and how much you give it your best, it will never be good enough. Yet there are those who don’t even need to do anything and have an easy life.
Truth be told, losing the life I had before 2012 in Guam took a huge toll on me. I lost a lot; apart from the life I had, I also lost my pet Chihuahua and the majority of my collections. I tried to regain the collections I lost, but it’s not possible. Then, in 2017, I lost the two kids I treated like my own. I learned how to become a father, to have a family, and I became happy, but in the end, I lost them because their mother found someone else. That broke me because I thought I finally had a family of my own, but I was wrong.
Then, in late 2019, my mom passed away, and it was the first time I ever felt lost in my whole life, especially since my mom was the only person who understood me. The hardest part was that I didn’t even have time to mourn because I needed to find a job; no one was going to help me financially. Afterwards, I lost my dad in 2020.
So by the time you are reading this, it means that I am no longer around because I chose to end it. Yet, I still want to thank all the people who’ve tried to help me and who have been there for me.
Thank you, Anne, for being a true friend. You are the only person I could always open up to about my problems, whether related to work or my personal life, even though there were times I felt like a bother to you.
Thank you to my former TL, C, for all the support, trust, and understanding. I noticed some changes in how you treated me, which is only normal since I was no longer your agent and no longer your responsibility.
Thank you to most members of Team CEE for the trust and friendship. Thank you for being there to lecture me when I said I wanted to die and for trying to distract me from my problems. You were like a second family.
Thank you, Ryan and Mafe; you two in Squad CHA are the only ones I 100% trust. Thank you for everything.
Thank you to my two kumpare, Joemarie and Joseph, for being good friends and checking up on me from time to time.
Thank you, Rose, for introducing me to your nephews, Cayler and Zion. I learned what it’s like to be a father because of them, even if it was temporary.
Last and probably the most important, thank you, Lyka, for making me happy when I met you, even though you couldn’t return the feelings I have for you and we could only be friends. Even though I never felt like you treated me as a friend, I am still thankful that you became a part of my life. I’m sorry if I changed towards you; I just needed to distance myself because I didn’t want my feelings to hurt you in any way. Always remember that I love you.
That said, I want to distribute some things to a few people I trust the most, as I have listed below.
Total of my ATM: 50% will go to Mary Anne Fernandez and 50% will go to Lyka Arcelao.
Nintendo Collection: 2 Nintendo 3DS (Red & Blue), 1 Nintendo DSi (Blue), 1 Nintendo Switch (Blue), Game Brick (Blue), SUP Game Boy (Black), Nintendo Switch Games (21 pieces), Nintendo 3DS Games (40), Nintendo DS Games (49): I will be giving all of these to Mary Anne Fernandez.
Fidget Spinner Collection (45 pieces), Funko Pop Collection, Stuffed Toys, and Pikachu Coin Box: I will be giving these to my kumpare, Joemarie Calagui.
Yu-Gi-Oh Card Collection, Bakugan Collection, and Laptop (White): I will be giving these to my kumpare, Joseph Calilung.
Knife Collection (29 pieces): This will be divided between three people, Pareng Joemarie, Mikki, and Ryan Fabunan.
Treadmill: This will go to Kiahra, but it will need to be picked up. If they are unable to pick it up, it will go to Christle.
Mini Refrigerator: I will be giving this to Christle.
I wish I could have spent more time with everyone I trusted the most, but maybe this is the limit of my life and the limit of my struggles. I really wish things could have been different for me, but this is how my life was meant to be. Farewell.
